10 Pieces of Advice I Got Before Moving Abroad

When people advise you about something they've never done before.

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash

Parents often look at me crookedly when I tell them how to raise their children.

And look, I’ve never had a kid, but — I feel uniquely qualified to proffer my advice. Sometimes it’s the absence of any relevant experience or competency whatsoever that gives rise to true wisdom. When parents share their problems with me in confidence, I practice deep listening. This is an empathy-building methodology I’ve cultivated through a years-long Vipassana practice. So I nod and say, “Maybe you shouldn’t have had kids in the first place.” Then I explain how they’ve damned their descendants to the hellfire of human-caused ecological collapse. Yet these people — clearly in need of my expertise — just stare at me as if there’s a mushroom cloud emerging from my forehead.

And unfortunately, not everyone is an expert at giving advice. Not like me. Before I moved abroad, several people, none of whom had ever done it, decided I needed their advice.

10. “Tell them you’re Canadian.”

Out of this entire listicle, here’s the one piece of advice that, in retrospect, I probably should’ve taken. I don’t want to lie to anyone, but uh, holy shit… I should not have been telling my newfound neighbors I’m American. Huge mistake. The US reputation continues to plummet as the Illuminati shuffles my home country across the world chessboard. Meanwhile, I’m just thinking about how I could’ve avoided my inevitable tar-and-feathering-by-association.

I should’ve gone around announcing, “Soy canadiense, eh,” here, and a little “Me gusta el Trailer Park Boys” there.

9. “Prepare for a few more years, then leave.”

The same reason I was encouraged to tell people I’m Canadian is the very same that justified the urgency of leaving: crazy-ass shit going on with my home country. Simultaneously, the recommendation to postpone… it was out of genuine concern. Another way of saying, “Don’t go.” But had I entrenched myself further in a national sunk cost fallacy, then I’m not sure I would’ve ever left. There’s examination and planning… and then there’s just making up excuses for why nothing can ever change.

8. “Plan to move back in a year.”

Ah, the hope that I’m punished for doing something differently… disguised as advice. How generous of others to pre-plan my failure, presenting their concern for my wellbeing as if my moving to a place with universal healthcare called for a “Get Well Soon” card. And this piece of advice was always followed by a practical recommendation: keep your stuff. You know, just in case. Translation: hold on to everything, because surely you’ll come crawling back.

7. “Find a house, not an apartment.”

As George Carlin said about stuff:

If you didn’t have so much goddamn stuff, you wouldn’t need a house. You could just walk around all the time. That’s all your house is. It’s a pile of stuff with a cover on it.

I don’t need a house, and I don’t need more stuff. That’s why I can just… walk around. Everybody laughed at what George Carlin had to say. But did they listen?

6. “Live on the beach.”

Everyone who gave me advice assumed I wanted what they wanted. But I don’t like the heat. And sand? Not for me. And you know what I think? Everyone else should only enjoy things I like. If they don’t share my interests, naturally we’re left to ask: what’s wrong with them? How could they not enjoy dedicating untold hours to optimizing a network of conveyor belts and automated trains in Factorio?

5. “You must immediately speak fluent Spanish or you’ll die of exposure alone in an alley.”

Please trust me when I say I have not mastered the Spanish language. We'll leave it at that, but I’m still alive somehow.

4. “Get a storage unit for all your stuff.”

Again: refer to George’s bit on stuff. By the way, have you ever… rented a storage unit? Other adults say “get a storage unit” as if it’s a fond experience they reminisce about. “Oh yeah, they doubled the rent and our couch grew a mold stain in the shape of Willem Dafoe’s face. It’s like the smartest decision we’ve ever made.” Ugh. Having, you know, used storage units in the past, I’ll go ahead and recommend avoiding this. If I described my past storage experiences in detail, I’d probably get sued.

3. “Ship your stuff to Europe.”

Imagine if Morpheus from The Matrix visited you and asked: “What if I told you there was a way of getting a storage unit for all your stuff, but it was an order of magnitude more expensive, destructive, and complicated?”

Oh yeah, that sounds awesome, man… question: which pill numbs me to everything? And is there any way to skip the line of perpetual rebirth without achieving enlightenment? Can I take a smoke break outside Plato’s Cave, maybe? I won’t run away, I promise.

2. “Go on a multi-month scouting trip first.”

You don’t need to go on a scouting trip if you get rid of… take a guess.

Your stuff! My wife and I simplified our move abroad by getting rid of our stuff. Move to the wrong place? Then move again. It’s not the end of the world if you’re not dragging stuff around with you. Also, if you can afford to ship your stuff, why not just acquire other stuff after you settle in? Speaking from experience, your tastes — if not your needs — will change after you move abroad. While I only brought some checked bags with me to Spain, guess what?

I still brought too much stuff.

1. “Ship your car abroad.”

Ah, shipping a car… the special case of shipping stuff and the most tone-deaf advice I received, given my forceful refrain that I wouldn’t be driving anymore. I gotta ask: am I living in The Truman Show? Because it seems like (some of) the people introduced into my life intentionally push my buttons to entertain extradimensional entities.

“Just ship your car across the Atlantic Ocean” feels like advice I’d casually receive from somebody being blackmailed by the Illuminati. And if George Carlin was right that a house is merely a pile of stuff, then a car is just a mobile pile of stuff for moving stuff between piles of stuff. I don’t need any of it.

Reese here from Bebop Libre: Like and subscribe for more stuff about stuff, and consider not letting AI-generated YouTube videos raise your children.